By Adam Conn, Founder The All-Coke All-Stars During one of our mid-afternoon conversations, we heard that Mark Corey was invited to spring training by the Pittsburgh Pirates. Last year, Corey was found stoned and disoriented wandering behind Shea Stadium and was subsequently hospitalized. While his condition was better than the Mets inside Shea, Corey's history and the Pirates cocaine-scandal of the early 80s made us wonder if we could fill a squad with players busted for coke (other than just Pirates). Some of these players may have been only arrested for cocaine possession or admitted to cocaine use. So we present to you ContractBud.com's All-Coke All-Stars. * indicates player was signed to the 40-man roster or a minor league deal, spring training invite. Alan Wiggins, Eric Show, and Glenn Burke added to the 40-man March 1, 2005 Pitchers What a lineup. Gooden, Blue, Jenkins, McLain, and Hoyt make the five-line... err... five-man rotation, with Andujar, Ellis and Perez put in middle relief with Rod Scurry. Steve Howe will be our closer. Note that our starting 5 all won at least one Cy Young award and the top 10 pitchers all have a career ERA under 4.00. Edward Paul Glynn gets a minor league contract, spring training invite, as does Dickie Noles. SP Denny McLain (131-91, 3.39 ERA) SP Ferguson Jenkins (284-226, 3.34 ERA) SP Vida Blue (209-161, 3.27 ERA) SP Dwight "Doc" Gooden (194-112, 3.51 ERA) SP La Marr Hoyt (98-68, 3.99 ERA) SP Dock Ellis (138-119, 3.46 ERA) SP Joaquin Andujar (127-118, 3.58 ERA) SP Pascual Perez (67-68, 3.44 ERA) RP Rod Scurry (19-32, 39 saves, 3.24 ERA) RP Steve Howe (47-41, 91 saves, 3.03 ERA) SP Eric Show (101-89, 3.66 ERA) RP/SP Dickie Noles* (36-53, 11 saves, 4.56 ERA) RP/SP Edward Paul Glynn* (12-17, 12 saves, 4.25 ERA) Catchers The recently deceased Darrell Porter rises once again to don the mask. C Darrell Porter (.247-188-826) 1B We have a nice lineup at 1B. Keith Hernandez will start, with Pedro Guerrerro backing him up. Willie Mays Aikens could see some lines.... errr time too. 1B Keith Hernandez (.296-162-1071) 1B/3B/OF Pedro Guerrero (.300-215-898) 1B/DH Willie Mays Aikens (.271-110-415) 2B Lee Lacy, part of the amphetamine/cocaine boys of Pittsburgh, will assume the role of second sack. Tony Phillips will be our utility man, backing up both 2B and SS. 2B/OF Lee Lacy (.286-91-458) 2B/SS/3B/OF Tony Phillips (.266-160-819) 2B Alan Wiggins* (.259-5-118) SS Dale Berra, also of the Pirates and son of Yogi Berra, will take the helm at SS. SS/3B Dale Berra (.238-52-301) 3B Steroid-pumper and parole violator Ken Caminiti will take 3B, but will probably get injured on his way to the ballpark, so Enos Cabell will most likely wind up starting most of the season. 3B Ken Caminiti (.272-239-983) 3B/1B/OF Enos Cabell (.277-60-596) Batting Order CF Tim Raines 2B Lee Lacy 1B Keith Hernandez RF Dave Parker DH Pedro Guerrero LF Darryl Strawberry 3B Ken Caminiti C  Darrell Porter SS Dale Berra OF What a lineup to choose from! Dave Parker, Darryl Strawberry, Willie Wilson, Tim "The Rock" Raines, Lonnie Smith, and Jeffrey Leonard make the team. Mazzilli, Martin, and Milner all get put on the 40 man roster. OF Dave Parker (.290-339-1493) OF Darryl Strawberry (.259-335-1000) OF Tim Raines (.294-170-980) OF Willie Wilson (.285-41-585) OF Lonnie Smith (.288-98-533) OF Jeffrey Leonard (.266-144-723) OF Lee Mazzilli* (.259-93-460) OF Jerry Martin* (.251-85-345) OF Eddie Milner* (.253-42-195) OF Glenn Burke* (.237-2-38) Manager Butch Hobson gets the honor of managing this squad. If Caminiti and Cabell go down snorting, Butchie could wind up being player/manager. 3B/Manager Butch Hobson (.248-98-397) (207-232 record as manager) Mascot Yes, we even have a coke-snorting mascot! Kevin Koch was the Pirates mascot during the coke scandal, and was involved with one of the indictments. Mascot Kevin Koch Big Screen Story It wouldn't be complete without Hollywood getting in on the rights. Since he finally appeared in a baseball flick as coke-free Jim Morris, we now have someone with the right stuff. Actor Dennis Quaid Did we miss somebody? Email us with the details! We'd like to flesh out the 40-man roster, and even have more minor leaguers! Also, we'd love submissions for potential uniforms. File last modified May 15, 2011

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